she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Randomize
