I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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