I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
