I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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