I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
