my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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