At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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