sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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