I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
