I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
