Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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