non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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