Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
