Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize