i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
