so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
