He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
