haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty