I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.