why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
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TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
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he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.