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note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
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