There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.