i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I party with great urgency now.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
