found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
