Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
