Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
