Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
