she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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