Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
