I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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