I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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