I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
