i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
