Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
