Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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