do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
