Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
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