I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
