Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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