take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
