Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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