you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
