If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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