And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
