and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
