listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
