my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
