I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
