Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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