meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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