She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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