guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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