i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
