I wish I could teleport
I cannot find my penis.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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