I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
