you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
In America we eat man semen.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
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