They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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