i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
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Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
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Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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