One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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