i just had sex bonerless
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
