did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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