Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
